This week has been a whole mess of me being emotional, anxious, and insecure.
I cried when I packed up all my small clothes to store at my parents’ house. Not because I’m afraid of never being thin again (surprisingly the increasingly bloated belly is one thing that hasn’t been bothering me). But it was just like saying goodbye to my old life, looking at all those clothes and remembering events I’d worn them to, carefree and with a drink in my hand.
Although you wouldn’t be able to tell it this week, I am really happy about us having a baby. If I could’ve described my ideal life before I was pregnant, it’d be staying at home with my kids, doing fun stuff with other moms, working or volunteering part-time in some kind of meaningful job. And I’m so thankful to have had an easy pregnancy so far.
But it still doesn’t seem real. I went to Target last night to get a present for a baby shower I’m going to this Sunday, and I just felt overwhelmed by all the stuff, couldn’t imagine at all having one of those pack ‘n’ play contraptions in our house….with a baby in it….with me being comfortable taking care of it. (I’m super awkward holding babies and have no idea how to change a diaper.)
And then there are all the questions nagging in the back of my mind – What if I don’t love the baby so much like everyone describes? What if I get the post-partum depression? (Completely different discussion, but I have a hard time “believing” in depression, at least for the majority of people who claim to have it, and hate the idea of taking meds). What if it hurts so much to breastfeed and I’m tired and fat and hate my life and resent the baby? What if it makes me and Nathan fight more? What if my job doesn’t let me go part time and we don’t have enough money and it REALLY makes me and Nathan fight more? What if I’m just a bad mom because I’m impatient and temperamental?
And then there are the really dark thoughts I feel too afraid to voice or write down now…
Sooo, many times this week I’ve thought (and said) “I am so fucking tired of worrying about all this stuff and feeling restrained and I really really just want to go to a bar and not count how many whiskies I’m drinking and have random conversations with people and be carefree….”
I’m glad week 16 is almost over. We have some fun stuff planned for this weekend and maybe next week I’ll finally start exercising more and start pre-natal yoga and we’ll get the bedroom cleaned out (dude is supposed to pick up our bed from the craigslist ad tonight!) and week 17 will be better….